The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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