Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
