it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
