I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
