I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
