I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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