If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
