There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
