this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
