I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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