Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
