Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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