I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
