remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
