I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
