My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
