my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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