Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
