she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
