it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
