i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
