i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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