Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
soo... how was my night?
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