I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize