Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
organizing the empties. That sober.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
