Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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