he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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