Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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