Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
