wanna go halves on a baby?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
