I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize