She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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