I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
