turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's official drugs can't kill me
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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