Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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