Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize