I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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