Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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