I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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