My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize