i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
