the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize