The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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