Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
