You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
