I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is it penis luge time yet?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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