i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize