he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
