I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
