remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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