A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
