don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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