i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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