I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize