tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
