Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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