just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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