I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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