Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
