You just made me feel so damn special
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
